Time will heal me

You know abang..

I really want to call you abang. Because I respect you. I really hope you will be the last for me.

I dont know why I tell you about my past. Sometimes your behaviour ; is pushing me away. The way you treat me. There is so much confusion lies behind it. Abang. Your news feed today. Is that meant for me? Yoy know i dont want you calling me perasan.. but i need you to tell me directly. Because im the type of person who has so many ideas in my head.

So just tell me abang directly abang. If its black. Tell me its black. And if its white. Tell me its white. There is no such thing as grey area in my dictionary abang. And i dont want to bug you if it is not.

Abang..

I really want to text you. I want to remind you to buy present/s for your mother. To take care of yourself. Your health. Your well being. But i afraid of rejection. Because you always keep me hanging for hours and with short answers. Am i that irritating abang?

I do not know whether you are trying to test me. Or its all a casual affair to you.

Abang..

You know what. I really love you. I am not in love with love. And this is not a casual relationship for me. I love you. But why are you treating me this way..

I told you about my past. But its not that i want your sympathy.. but i want you to feel how i felt when i was in despair. My past.. really influenced how o felt today.  you were in my shoes. Things are not easy as it looks.

I really want to look after you, and your needs. I love to.

I love to see your eyes. Your smile.. on how you are nagging to me. I know you mean well. And i know its for my own good.

When i closed my eyes.. i still remember your smile. Your genuine smile. The way you consult me when we were in JPO.. remember?

When you raising your voice to me. Tak mo lah gitu abang. I was raised in a very warm environment.. i can listen to you. But talk to me gently. I have feeling too abang. But i am not mad. I know you were doing it for my best interest.

But abang.. the way you treat me now..

Questioning my worth..

Why are you so distant abang?

Am i not good enough for you?

Is she still in your heart?
Hmm... how can you forget her.
She was with you in time of need and ease for six years.
And me..
I am only a new girl. With mixed emotions.

Abang.. you told me to get enough sleep and less status updates.

But..

I only update my status to get your attention. But now.

Should i stop abang?

Should i move on?

Abang.. i really hope you can guide me to jannah.

But my friend is right. Only Allah can guide me. Its all me.. in my hands. But i need constant advises.. for me to stay constant. To stay istiqamah. Love hurts abang. But if its worth it.. im going to stay.

But..

I know Allah says a good man for a good woman and a bad man is for bad woman. But am i that bad abang? I am so sad hearing your remarks on my faith. I know im not that good. But i am trying to, now abang..

But if she is the one that is destined for you. Who am i to question Allah's fate?

He knows better than me abang.

I am in pain right now. But i wont push you. Love cannot be forced. I learned the hard way. I wish. Really wish for your happiness in dunya and hereafter.

Allah knows what best for us. Even though i still cant accept that we are over now.. but i know..

Time will heal me.

Thank you abang. For the memories. 😢