Ombak hati

Allahhuakhbar.

Runtun nya jiwa ku.
lemahnya hatiku.
Setiap perbuatanku
setiap anganku
aku cuma mengingatimu.

betapa dalamnya rasaku
betapa lelahnya aku
berperasaan begini
seolah tak terkawal lagi

aku kira aku telah pulih
tapi kenapa masih tersisih
kenapa masih juga jatuh
air mata ini?

anganku
cintaku
kebahagianku
kau telah bawa pergi bersamamu

cintaku
sayangku
paling dalam
terlarut oleh setiap kepekatan malam

aku rungsing
tapi aku tak mahu tenggelam dengan peritnya rasaku
sakit
pedih.

aku ingin kau kejar bahagiamu
kerana tiap bahagiamu akan mengisi ruang ketenangan hatiku
walau aku tau kau tak disampingku
aku bahagia kalau kau bahagia
walau peritnya derita dihati
mengenang aku yang hanya menambahkan kegelisahan dihatimu
aku cuma ribut
dan aku tak mahu membawa kau bersama dalam ribut hatiku
sebab akibatnya nanti
akan terluka di hatimu
dan aku tak ingin membuatmu terluka
kerana aku sangat sangat mencintaimu

aku tidak ingin melupakanmu
aku ingin mengenangmu
cintamu padaku dahulu
akan tetap abadi
dan setiaku hanya untukmu
biar aku tenggelam
dalam ombak hatiku sendiri.

I know i am no one to him.
Why is it leaving me with a deepest scars?
I cant hold on anymore
I want to drown
He has someone else now.
I have to accept the fact

Why are you loving so much wiya
Why are you too loyal to the one who hurt you
Why why

Ah. Sentapnya hati.
Tadi aku menangis lagi.
Hanya kerana teringatkn dia lagi.
Sekilas senyumnya yang membuat aku meruntun hati.
Yang paling indah, dan juga menyakitkan.

Kalau waktu boleh bicara. 

Pasti dia paling lara. 

Rentan

Rentannya hati kerana jiwa yang terusik dan angan angan yang terdetik

Untungnya diakkerana dicintai oleh lelaki yang begitu sempurna di mataku

Terusiknya hati tika dia lagi membawa erti di dalam hidupmu.

Sempurnanya cintamu terhadapnya,

Membuat jiwa aku rentan

Berduka

Jika kau boleh melihat betapa besarnya cinta aku kepadamu

Jika kau boleh melihat betapa laranya hati ini

Aku tau kau sudah bahagia tanpa aku

Lebih responsive

Lebih dapat berekspresi

Aku sunyi

Aku rentan

Tapi aku tidak boleh kecewa

Kerana aku tak boleh kawal kau

Aku doakan kau bahagia

Biarkan aku macam ni sahaja

Duka aku pasti sembuh

Walau ku rasa ku tak ingin sembuh

Suaramu

Sayangmu

Segala perhatianmuu padaku dulu

Aku mahu didakap mu lagi

Aku ingin merasa disayangi lagi

Bukan dengan orang lain

Tp dengan mu

Aku mahu kau sahaja

Kau sahaja

Tapi aku tak sempurna

Aku Cuma menambah beban di dadamu

Duhai sayang

Duhai abang

Yang paling aku cintai separuh mati

Cinta separuh mati

Kalau kau dapat lihat

Kalau kau dapat rasa

Time will heal me

You know abang..

I really want to call you abang. Because I respect you. I really hope you will be the last for me.

I dont know why I tell you about my past. Sometimes your behaviour ; is pushing me away. The way you treat me. There is so much confusion lies behind it. Abang. Your news feed today. Is that meant for me? Yoy know i dont want you calling me perasan.. but i need you to tell me directly. Because im the type of person who has so many ideas in my head.

So just tell me abang directly abang. If its black. Tell me its black. And if its white. Tell me its white. There is no such thing as grey area in my dictionary abang. And i dont want to bug you if it is not.

Abang..

I really want to text you. I want to remind you to buy present/s for your mother. To take care of yourself. Your health. Your well being. But i afraid of rejection. Because you always keep me hanging for hours and with short answers. Am i that irritating abang?

I do not know whether you are trying to test me. Or its all a casual affair to you.

Abang..

You know what. I really love you. I am not in love with love. And this is not a casual relationship for me. I love you. But why are you treating me this way..

I told you about my past. But its not that i want your sympathy.. but i want you to feel how i felt when i was in despair. My past.. really influenced how o felt today.  you were in my shoes. Things are not easy as it looks.

I really want to look after you, and your needs. I love to.

I love to see your eyes. Your smile.. on how you are nagging to me. I know you mean well. And i know its for my own good.

When i closed my eyes.. i still remember your smile. Your genuine smile. The way you consult me when we were in JPO.. remember?

When you raising your voice to me. Tak mo lah gitu abang. I was raised in a very warm environment.. i can listen to you. But talk to me gently. I have feeling too abang. But i am not mad. I know you were doing it for my best interest.

But abang.. the way you treat me now..

Questioning my worth..

Why are you so distant abang?

Am i not good enough for you?

Is she still in your heart?
Hmm... how can you forget her.
She was with you in time of need and ease for six years.
And me..
I am only a new girl. With mixed emotions.

Abang.. you told me to get enough sleep and less status updates.

But..

I only update my status to get your attention. But now.

Should i stop abang?

Should i move on?

Abang.. i really hope you can guide me to jannah.

But my friend is right. Only Allah can guide me. Its all me.. in my hands. But i need constant advises.. for me to stay constant. To stay istiqamah. Love hurts abang. But if its worth it.. im going to stay.

But..

I know Allah says a good man for a good woman and a bad man is for bad woman. But am i that bad abang? I am so sad hearing your remarks on my faith. I know im not that good. But i am trying to, now abang..

But if she is the one that is destined for you. Who am i to question Allah's fate?

He knows better than me abang.

I am in pain right now. But i wont push you. Love cannot be forced. I learned the hard way. I wish. Really wish for your happiness in dunya and hereafter.

Allah knows what best for us. Even though i still cant accept that we are over now.. but i know..

Time will heal me.

Thank you abang. For the memories. 😢

Hina

Oh tuhan.

Aku tak kuat.
Lemparan tuduhan yang kau beri kat aku.

Sampai hati kau memperkecilkan diri aku.
Aku tahu aku tak sebaik dia.
Sealim dia.
Aku kotor.
Aku hina.

Kalah

I am sitting at the park while im writing this. Just come back from work. I manage to do 2 reports today.

...

After 10 mins of staring nothing.

I thought i can calm myself. Seeing how green and fresh the outer world is. Its cold, its after rain. Can you imagine how fresh the environment is.

I listening to berhenti berharap by so7. I remember how u wanted to see their performance a month ago in KL. But u cant as u are too occupied. In addition, u wanted to see me.

What i really regret is.. i saw ur post on dec 2015. Remember i gave u poem? And what u wrote back to me? It was the same exact post for her in dec 2015.

How. Could. You.

I wrote that poem for u. How could u? Do u know how trash i feel right now?

My colleagues were asking why i behave like this. I dont look like myself. I am getting emptier by day.

I used to be a happy go lucky person. Now. I become quiet.

I used to be so passionate of my work. I love my work. Regardless how many projects and cases i need to handle. But now. I lost my focus.

I dont know how many days, months or even years i need to spend to forget how hurt i feel right now.

I dont know why i did not stalk your page before.

Maybe because of, at first you were not that interesting to me. I dont trust guys. They all buaya. When they see how I look, they come to me just because of my appearance. So scary.

Tapi.. when we talk. And i feel so connected to you. We talk for about an hour and half and seems like there is always topics. Well. We kind of debating. Maybe because i love to engaged in intellectual conversation?

My first impression when i talked to u is.. this guy has opinion on his own. And he doesnt scare to show it. He is outspoken. Good. Just like me. But this one has ego. When he thinks he is right, he is going to stand on his opinion until his opponent/s bow to him. BAD. He needs to learn to be diplomatic. And it aint easy.

But once i am with you. You are the one who confused with your own decision. Did you see something not good in me? Why dont u just say so? U always pick my bad habit right? Why now? Is it because i mentioned about ur longing ex to u? U changed once u heard about her, dont u?

Oh tuhan.
Aku gila. Gila bayang. Gila talak.

Remembered what i said about u gila talak? And you asked me what i really meant by it? Fuck. I be that person now.

I beg for your love. Pathethic.

As if there is no one showing interest to date me. Fuck kan?

Tapi aku trauma. Aku tak nak. Kau tengok. Jangan mainkan perasaan orang. Aku jenis sensitif. Jenis emosi.

If it comes to feeling. I am weak. I have strong heart u see. Tapi. Kenapa kau ketuk pintu hati aku? Supaya kau boleh jadikan aku sebagai re-fucking-bound?

Aku bukan rebound. Aku ada hati. Aku ada perasaan. Aku pun nak bahagia. Tak boleh ke aku bahagia? Tak layak ke aku nak bahagia? Kenapa?

Dalam setiap helaan nafas, 
Aku sesak tak mahu tewas.

Do you know how much i want this phase to go fast?

I know it will. But i want it fast. Because i couldnt handle it anymore. The burden is so.. so heavy for me to hold.

Mommy. I wish i can tell you this. I want to.

Kau berikan aku bahagia,
Kau berikan aku derita..