Kalah

I am sitting at the park while im writing this. Just come back from work. I manage to do 2 reports today.

...

After 10 mins of staring nothing.

I thought i can calm myself. Seeing how green and fresh the outer world is. Its cold, its after rain. Can you imagine how fresh the environment is.

I listening to berhenti berharap by so7. I remember how u wanted to see their performance a month ago in KL. But u cant as u are too occupied. In addition, u wanted to see me.

What i really regret is.. i saw ur post on dec 2015. Remember i gave u poem? And what u wrote back to me? It was the same exact post for her in dec 2015.

How. Could. You.

I wrote that poem for u. How could u? Do u know how trash i feel right now?

My colleagues were asking why i behave like this. I dont look like myself. I am getting emptier by day.

I used to be a happy go lucky person. Now. I become quiet.

I used to be so passionate of my work. I love my work. Regardless how many projects and cases i need to handle. But now. I lost my focus.

I dont know how many days, months or even years i need to spend to forget how hurt i feel right now.

I dont know why i did not stalk your page before.

Maybe because of, at first you were not that interesting to me. I dont trust guys. They all buaya. When they see how I look, they come to me just because of my appearance. So scary.

Tapi.. when we talk. And i feel so connected to you. We talk for about an hour and half and seems like there is always topics. Well. We kind of debating. Maybe because i love to engaged in intellectual conversation?

My first impression when i talked to u is.. this guy has opinion on his own. And he doesnt scare to show it. He is outspoken. Good. Just like me. But this one has ego. When he thinks he is right, he is going to stand on his opinion until his opponent/s bow to him. BAD. He needs to learn to be diplomatic. And it aint easy.

But once i am with you. You are the one who confused with your own decision. Did you see something not good in me? Why dont u just say so? U always pick my bad habit right? Why now? Is it because i mentioned about ur longing ex to u? U changed once u heard about her, dont u?

Oh tuhan.
Aku gila. Gila bayang. Gila talak.

Remembered what i said about u gila talak? And you asked me what i really meant by it? Fuck. I be that person now.

I beg for your love. Pathethic.

As if there is no one showing interest to date me. Fuck kan?

Tapi aku trauma. Aku tak nak. Kau tengok. Jangan mainkan perasaan orang. Aku jenis sensitif. Jenis emosi.

If it comes to feeling. I am weak. I have strong heart u see. Tapi. Kenapa kau ketuk pintu hati aku? Supaya kau boleh jadikan aku sebagai re-fucking-bound?

Aku bukan rebound. Aku ada hati. Aku ada perasaan. Aku pun nak bahagia. Tak boleh ke aku bahagia? Tak layak ke aku nak bahagia? Kenapa?

Dalam setiap helaan nafas, 
Aku sesak tak mahu tewas.

Do you know how much i want this phase to go fast?

I know it will. But i want it fast. Because i couldnt handle it anymore. The burden is so.. so heavy for me to hold.

Mommy. I wish i can tell you this. I want to.

Kau berikan aku bahagia,
Kau berikan aku derita.. 

Puisi pertama ku. Untuk kau.

Kau jadikan aku pujangga cinta
Kau jadikan aku melakarkan kata kata
Kerana aku terlalu sayang
Sampai jiwa aku terkadang melayang

Tiap panahan kata mu
Tiap bisikan cinta mu
Membuatkn aku gila bayang
Aku sudah terlanjur sayang

Kerana disetiap helaan nafasmu
Seolah menyatu dengan nafasku
Ketika disetiap sentuhan tanganmu
Seolah menarik aku dlm curam plg dalam

Curam plg dalam
Paling kelam

Ku bisikkan setia ku padamu
Paling cintaku padamu

Kenapa kau tidak mengerti
Bahawa sayang ini
Membuat aku begini
Meronta meng inginkanmu,
dalam setiap mimpiku
Dalam setiap jagaku
Dalam setiap ruang ruang hidupku

Tapi jika tiada ruang untukku di hatimu,
Kenapa kau berikan aku harapan,
Harapan yg akhirnya akan menjerat aku
Menjerat aku sampai aku...
Sampai aku hilang bayangku sendiri. Sampai aku meratapi kasihku sendiri. Sampai aku, hanya aku. Di sini. Keseorangan. Di dinginnya malam ini.

We are in a parallel universe.

I am wondering,

If I keep myself in the dark side, will I be isolated from the greatest pain?

If I do not show how much I care, how much I loved, would he still be mine? The less care people is the one who hold the control of the relationship. and I let him be a captain in my ship.

I am bold, I am blunt ; its easier for me to speak of my feeling rather than it is to keep; as it would trigger me to hold grudges. I do not want to hate people. Every time I let my guard down - there will always disappointment.

So big I can literally see myself drowning in it.

Should I self-blaming myself?

You know this pain is so great. I do not know how to handle it, the only thing I can do now is; withdrawing myself. From you. It is so hard for me as I always want to know about you. Your well being, your problem. Fuck. Its so painful.

I should not let myself be like this- I show my weakness. You. You are my weakness.

Don't you see how much vulnerable I can be? I love deeply, I love intensely.

Why can't you see how much you matter to me?

If you treat me the way you pursuing me at the beginning, it would be heaven. For both of us.

I would nurture our relationship with tolerance, patience and love. Because you are matter to me. You are different. You are a germ. I can fully understand you if you are open up with me.

But now, you are giving me the insecurities - I keep feeding my dark side. Don't you know how hard I am to trust people?

I already give it to you. Almost, 50%. Trust is earn; and build over years. Do not tell me that trust can be completely given once you in a relationship. It is a LIE. It is bullshit. I had my trust destroy more than I can remembered.

You know, part of me want to self-destruct because I almost lose my faith. I am so vulnerable. But I want to be the phoenix of your life. I want to light your life.

But.

I know you see me as demanding. You see me as out of control; I lose my control and clarity. But you are the initiator.

And there will always be her. I know it, you can not even say you love me. When was the last time you were saying the words?

I give my world. I open up to you; but you were rejecting me.

I felt so ashamed.

You rip my heart, you destroy all the feeling. How can I get my smile back? My happiness back?

I told you I do not want it, but you were the one who forcing me into relationship.

I put so much hopes in you. But you push me down, you let me fall. You do not hold my hand. You supposed to hold my hands, soothing me you always be there for me. But you are not.

I clearly blinded by love. Fuck. Fuck.

If I were given the chance to start over, I would prefer to live alone. And indulge myself with work and knowledge. Just like before I know you.

Now you are only a phase I need to get through. I can not promise I wont destroy myself; because I absolutely would.

Why would you ruin my live? Just so you distracted when she is not around? Why are you using me? I am weak. I had planted large trees around my heart so no one can enter, but you were forcing in. Just because you were hurt before, does not justify your action towards me.

Why would you treat me this way? I would never treat you this way.