Kalah

I am sitting at the park while im writing this. Just come back from work. I manage to do 2 reports today.

...

After 10 mins of staring nothing.

I thought i can calm myself. Seeing how green and fresh the outer world is. Its cold, its after rain. Can you imagine how fresh the environment is.

I listening to berhenti berharap by so7. I remember how u wanted to see their performance a month ago in KL. But u cant as u are too occupied. In addition, u wanted to see me.

What i really regret is.. i saw ur post on dec 2015. Remember i gave u poem? And what u wrote back to me? It was the same exact post for her in dec 2015.

How. Could. You.

I wrote that poem for u. How could u? Do u know how trash i feel right now?

My colleagues were asking why i behave like this. I dont look like myself. I am getting emptier by day.

I used to be a happy go lucky person. Now. I become quiet.

I used to be so passionate of my work. I love my work. Regardless how many projects and cases i need to handle. But now. I lost my focus.

I dont know how many days, months or even years i need to spend to forget how hurt i feel right now.

I dont know why i did not stalk your page before.

Maybe because of, at first you were not that interesting to me. I dont trust guys. They all buaya. When they see how I look, they come to me just because of my appearance. So scary.

Tapi.. when we talk. And i feel so connected to you. We talk for about an hour and half and seems like there is always topics. Well. We kind of debating. Maybe because i love to engaged in intellectual conversation?

My first impression when i talked to u is.. this guy has opinion on his own. And he doesnt scare to show it. He is outspoken. Good. Just like me. But this one has ego. When he thinks he is right, he is going to stand on his opinion until his opponent/s bow to him. BAD. He needs to learn to be diplomatic. And it aint easy.

But once i am with you. You are the one who confused with your own decision. Did you see something not good in me? Why dont u just say so? U always pick my bad habit right? Why now? Is it because i mentioned about ur longing ex to u? U changed once u heard about her, dont u?

Oh tuhan.
Aku gila. Gila bayang. Gila talak.

Remembered what i said about u gila talak? And you asked me what i really meant by it? Fuck. I be that person now.

I beg for your love. Pathethic.

As if there is no one showing interest to date me. Fuck kan?

Tapi aku trauma. Aku tak nak. Kau tengok. Jangan mainkan perasaan orang. Aku jenis sensitif. Jenis emosi.

If it comes to feeling. I am weak. I have strong heart u see. Tapi. Kenapa kau ketuk pintu hati aku? Supaya kau boleh jadikan aku sebagai re-fucking-bound?

Aku bukan rebound. Aku ada hati. Aku ada perasaan. Aku pun nak bahagia. Tak boleh ke aku bahagia? Tak layak ke aku nak bahagia? Kenapa?

Dalam setiap helaan nafas, 
Aku sesak tak mahu tewas.

Do you know how much i want this phase to go fast?

I know it will. But i want it fast. Because i couldnt handle it anymore. The burden is so.. so heavy for me to hold.

Mommy. I wish i can tell you this. I want to.

Kau berikan aku bahagia,
Kau berikan aku derita..