We are in a parallel universe.

I am wondering,

If I keep myself in the dark side, will I be isolated from the greatest pain?

If I do not show how much I care, how much I loved, would he still be mine? The less care people is the one who hold the control of the relationship. and I let him be a captain in my ship.

I am bold, I am blunt ; its easier for me to speak of my feeling rather than it is to keep; as it would trigger me to hold grudges. I do not want to hate people. Every time I let my guard down - there will always disappointment.

So big I can literally see myself drowning in it.

Should I self-blaming myself?

You know this pain is so great. I do not know how to handle it, the only thing I can do now is; withdrawing myself. From you. It is so hard for me as I always want to know about you. Your well being, your problem. Fuck. Its so painful.

I should not let myself be like this- I show my weakness. You. You are my weakness.

Don't you see how much vulnerable I can be? I love deeply, I love intensely.

Why can't you see how much you matter to me?

If you treat me the way you pursuing me at the beginning, it would be heaven. For both of us.

I would nurture our relationship with tolerance, patience and love. Because you are matter to me. You are different. You are a germ. I can fully understand you if you are open up with me.

But now, you are giving me the insecurities - I keep feeding my dark side. Don't you know how hard I am to trust people?

I already give it to you. Almost, 50%. Trust is earn; and build over years. Do not tell me that trust can be completely given once you in a relationship. It is a LIE. It is bullshit. I had my trust destroy more than I can remembered.

You know, part of me want to self-destruct because I almost lose my faith. I am so vulnerable. But I want to be the phoenix of your life. I want to light your life.

But.

I know you see me as demanding. You see me as out of control; I lose my control and clarity. But you are the initiator.

And there will always be her. I know it, you can not even say you love me. When was the last time you were saying the words?

I give my world. I open up to you; but you were rejecting me.

I felt so ashamed.

You rip my heart, you destroy all the feeling. How can I get my smile back? My happiness back?

I told you I do not want it, but you were the one who forcing me into relationship.

I put so much hopes in you. But you push me down, you let me fall. You do not hold my hand. You supposed to hold my hands, soothing me you always be there for me. But you are not.

I clearly blinded by love. Fuck. Fuck.

If I were given the chance to start over, I would prefer to live alone. And indulge myself with work and knowledge. Just like before I know you.

Now you are only a phase I need to get through. I can not promise I wont destroy myself; because I absolutely would.

Why would you ruin my live? Just so you distracted when she is not around? Why are you using me? I am weak. I had planted large trees around my heart so no one can enter, but you were forcing in. Just because you were hurt before, does not justify your action towards me.

Why would you treat me this way? I would never treat you this way.